She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the
most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her.
And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there
she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous
face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming
at her, but she just screams back.
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to
pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar
bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa
cushion, but it is not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing
money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few
days later it's all gone. I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so
I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think
she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. She
needs it. And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing.
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate - especially the good
stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I can't seem to keep that
stuff in the house anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but
she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.
I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is
tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on
weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty
games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering
my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and
papers so I can't find anything. this is particularly annoying since I
am extremely neat and organized. She also fiddles with my VCR
so it does not record what I have carefully and correctly
programmed.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into
my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do, and blurs the
print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister
to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I
hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my
vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to
turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of
it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my
groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making
it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to
repay my hospitality?
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try
something on, she stands in front of the mirror and monopolizes it.
She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she
keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me
wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for
my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she
jumped in front of me! No one is going to believe that the picture
of that old lady is me.
Originally submitted as source unknow but it is actually from
Patsy Clairmont's book NORMAL IS JUST A SETTING ON YOUR DRYER.