I’ve already told you how I learned that it only cost
me 18 cents a month to change my phone service
from pulse to tone. I still have nightmares about not
being able to push one for this and push two for that
and push three for something else. Now I look for
someone to call that wants me to push more
buttons just for the satisfaction of doing it.

I called my doctor’s office the other day and his
phone told me to push two if I wanted to make an
appointment. I pushed two. A voice comes on the
line an ask me for my name. I give it and ask her,
"What is your name?"

She said, "You know me Mr. Moore, this is Linda."

"Oh, hi Linda how are you?"

She said "I’m just fine Mr. Moore. Thank you for
asking. Do you wish to make an appointment to see
the doctor?"

"No," I told her. I just dialed your number so I
could push some buttons.

There was a long pause then she said "Maybe we
should make you an appointment with Dr. Jang.
He’s a psychologist."

I hung up!

Well, the next step out of the dark ages was a word
processor. A brothers WP 6700 CJ. I don’t know
what that means but that’s what it says on the front
of the machine. I got it from my granddaughter. But
that’s a whole ‘nother story for a different time.
This word processor came with an owner’s manual.
After reading it from cover to cover, I was
thoroughly confused. But I did learn where the ‘on’
switch was, so I turned it on. The first thing I see is
a menu. It says push one for word processing, push
two for spread sheet, push three for address book,
and so on. I wonder if this word processor is kin to
my telephone.

Anyway, after two months I got to where I could
type a story on the word processor. It even has a
spell check that I can turn on when I’m typing my
story. When I misspell a word, it beeps and won’t go
on until I correct it. One night when I was trying to
type a story, the beeps were going off so regularly
that Johnnie stuck her head in the office to see
where that baby bird was. I even learned how to
save my stories on a floppy disk so I could make
copies of them without having to type them again.

After the word processor, everyone kept telling me I
should get a computer. They kept telling me a
computer is so much easier to use than a word
processor. You can do so much more with a
computer. You can type your stories and store
them in the computer without having to mess with the
disks. You can e-mail your stories to your friends.
You can look things up on the web. With a scanner
and a printer you can even crop and enlarge and
print photographs. You can keep all your records on
it, they said, and you can even play solitaire on it.

Well, that convinced me. I got a computer. Now I’m
trying to learn how to use it. When I turn it on a
very colorful flag waves and dances around the
screen. It is accompanied by inspiring music and
then the screen announces Windows 98. All of a
sudden that disappears and the screen shows what
I’m told is my desk top. It sure doesn’t look like my
desk top with all the papers, rolodex, phone,
calendar, adding machine, and ----- well you get the
idea. This desk top on the screen just shows a bunch
of little pictures with labels under them.

I’m told to point the little arrow at one and double
click my mouse. Oh, the mouse is that little thing
you put your hand on and roll around on the table. It
has a right hand button and a left hand button you
can click. When you roll your mouse around on the
table it makes the little arrow move around on the
screen. The first day I had my computer, I rolled the
mouse off the edge of the table and it fell to the
floor. I spent the next four hours looking for that
little arrow. During that time all I could think of was
that poem that said something like " I shot an arrow
into the air, it fell to earth, I know not where." I
think the guy that wrote it was Henry Wadsworth
Longfellow. I wonder if he had trouble finding the
little arrow on his computer screen and that is what
inspired him to write that poem.

Anyway when I found my arrow, I pointed it at this
little picture of a computer with the label ‘My
Computer’ under it and click clicked. Another
window opened up on the screen with more little
pictures. One of them showed a hammer and a
screw driver and was labeled ‘Control Panel’. So I
click clicked on it and what do you know? Another
window with more pictures. One of them is a picture
of my mouse. So I click clicked on it. At last
a window that says ‘Mouse Properties’. No, I don’t
know what this means, but I feel like I have finally
gotten somewhere. Where, I don’t know and what
I’m suppose to do now that I’m here, I don’t know
either. But I have arrived!! After staying there
for a few minutes I wonder where else I can go. So I back
out of all those different windows and go back to my
desk top. The one on the computer not the one on
top of my desk.

I see this word down at the bottom of my screen that
says ‘Start.’ Well I guess I had started without my
computer because I hadn’t clicked on ‘Start’. So I
click on ‘Start’ and a whole list of goodies comes up
on my screen. I look them over and click on
‘Programs’. Wal-la another list. I pick out
‘Accessories’ and click on it. Wouldn’t you know it -
another list. Decisions, decisions! I read this list and
one word jumps out at me. "Games." So I click on
‘Games’ and I get another list. Is there no end to
these lists? Ah but this list has "Solitaire" on it. I
click on ‘Solitaire’ and get a deck of cards laid out
for a game of ‘Solitaire’. I think, "what the heck,
it’s taken me five hours to get here, I might as well
play a game."

After several games, I turn the computer off and go
to bed. Now I know I’m supposed to do more with
my computer than play Solitaire, so the next
morning right after breakfast, I turn the darn thing
back on. After that flag dances and the music plays,
up comes my desk top. I decide to really be
adventurous today so I click click on ‘My
Documents’. Up comes a window that says ‘My
Documents’ on the left side and the rest of the
window is empty. Well that’s reasonable, I think,
because I haven’t given the computer any of my
documents. But how do I do that? Well up at the top
of this window is a line of words. So I click on ‘File’
and here’s one of those lists. I click on ‘New’ in this
list and I get another list. I click on ‘Microsoft Word
document’, thinking maybe Bill Gates has put a
document in my computer. No such luck. All I get is
a window that says ‘Microsoft Word Document 1’
and a blank screen.

This little line is flashing off and on like it wants me
to do something. So I type "Hello, what do you
want?" The stupid thing just sits there and won’t
answer me. And I thought computers were suppose
to be so smart. After waiting about five minutes for
an answer, I get bored and go wandering off looking
for a game of Solitaire. I get lost in the windows
and lists and never do find that deck of cards. I do
find my way back to my Desktop, so I click click on
‘Paper Port’ and up pops a window titled "Visioneer
Paper Port" and it has - what else - a list. On this
list, I see photographs. I’m curious to see
photographs of what. Maybe naked women!
So I click on ‘Photographs.’ Nothing happens except
‘Photographs’ turns blue. Maybe it’s holding its
breath, waiting for those pictures of the naked
women. After awhile I see that neither me nor my
computer is going to see any photographs so I go
looking for that deck of cards again.

The next day I’m determined to do something with
my computer. I’ve got a scanner and a printer with
it so I decide I’m going to learn how to use them.
I tear the cover off the J C Penny’s sale catalog that
expired last month, and put it in the scanner. I notice
the name on the scanner lid for the first time. It says
‘Paper Port’ so I click click on ‘Paper Port’ on my
desk top. Up comes this list. But I don’t see anything
about catalog covers. Then I see this little picture of
my scanner up at the top of the screen. So I click on
this picture and up jumps a window with a bunch of
instructions on it and at the bottom are four little
boxes. One of them says "scan" so I click on it. Hey!
Something is happening. The scanner is scanning.
Now that’s real progress. I’ve come from Solitaire
to scanning something.

The next thing to do is to learn what to do with what
I’ve scanned. I have this thing called "Text Bridge
Pro 98" on my desk top. I click on it and I get
another window. This window is titled ‘Textbridge’
and has a sub window that has several choices in it,
like "any page", "dual page", "legal documents",
etc. But it doesn’t have a choice for catalog covers.
Well I click on "any page", hoping that will cover
catalog covers. I see that ‘Textbridge’ is not
satisfied with my scan. It wants one of its own. So I
click on "ok" and up comes my scanner window. I
think, I’ve been here before. So I scan the catalog
cover again. Now I’m supposed to do something
with it. I click on ‘File’ and see "save as" on the list
that jumped up. I click on that, and see ‘My
Documents’. I click on that and I have saved my
picture of the J. C. Penny’s sale catalog cover. Now
what do I do with it? I’ve got a printer so I print a
copy of my picture of the J. C. Penny’s sale catalog
cover.

The printer must be proud of itself, because when
it’s through printing, it plays a little tune and does a
jig. Hey! That’s kind of cute. I click on the
printer again. "That’s nice", I think. I call my wife in and
click on printer again so she can hear the little tune
it plays when it’s through printing. She says, "Do
that again". So I click on printer again. After awhile
she gets tired of listening to the same tune each
time and goes back to whatever she was doing. As
she was leaving, she tells me God put her on this
earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now she is so far behind, she will never die.

This has been a better day on the computer. I may
learn to use it yet. By the way does anyone have a
suggestion of what I can do with 23 copies of last
months J. C. Penny’s sale catalog cover?

Old McDnald had a farm, ee-i ee-i o. And on this
farm he had a computer ee-i ee-i o. With a click
click here and a click click there and a here click,
there click, everywhere click click. Old McDdonald
had a farm ee-i ee-i o.

This computer is driving me crazy!!!!!

© Loren Moore

Marilyn's Hideaway ~ Cancer Site ~ Children ~ Computers
Critters ~ Domestic Violence ~ Good Old Days ~ Holidays
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Patriotic ~ Poetry ~ Women ~ Norma Marek's Poetry

Made with love June 2, 2005