DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get
the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have
ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag carpet is a good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a
human's bare foot.

HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in some activity,
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules
for hampering:

~When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

~For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

~For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner
so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze,
but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

~For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being
worked on.When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the
table, one at a time.

~When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

~When a human is working at a computer, jump up on the desk, walk
across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen, and
then lie in the human's lap across the arms, hampering the
typing in progress.

WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first
get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she
cannot move around.

LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick
as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of
kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the
humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours
under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic(which
they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you
do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and
you probably will get a treat!

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human,
especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it for them. And don't forget the guests.

Copyright from a larger work by ~ Cynthia B. Whitney ~
All rights reserved.

Castlepurrs

Used with permission of the author.