Take a new pill from the foil wrap.

Cradle the cat in the left arm, holding
the rear paws tightly with the left hand.

Force the cat's jaws open and push the pill
to the back of the mouth with the right forefinger.

Hold the cat's mouth closed for a count of ten.

Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl, and
the cat from the top of the dresser.

Call wife/husband in from garden

Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged
firmly between the knees.

Hold front and rear paws, whilst ignoring the
growls emitting from the cat.

Get wife/husband to hold cat's head firmly with
one hand, while forcing a wooden ruler into its
mouth, down which the pill may be channeled
into the cat's mouth.

Drop the pill down the ruler and rub the cat's
throat vigorously.

Remove the cat from the curtain rail.

Get another pill from the foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and get curtains repaired.

Carefully sweep shattered figurine and vases
from hearth and set aside for later repair.

Wrap cat in large towel and get wife/husband
to lie on cat with cat's head just visible
from below armpit.

Put pill in peashooter.

Force cat's mouth open with a pencil.

Insert peashooter and blow hard.

Check pill label to ensure pill is not harmful to humans.

Drink can of beer to remove taste of pill.

Apply Band-Aid to wife's forearm.

Remove blood from carpet with soapy water.

Retrieve cat from next door shed.

Get another pill.

Open another beer.

Place cat in cupboard and close door firmly
on cat's neck leaving cat's head showing.

Force cat's mouth open with dessert spoon.

Flick pill down cat's throat with elastic band.

Get screwdriver from toolbox and put cupboard
door back on hinges.

Drink beer.

Get rum, bottle, pour tot and drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek to disinfect
then check date of last tetanus shot.

Throw shirt away and get another from bedroom.

Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from
tree across the street.

Apologize to neighbour who crashed into
fence avoiding cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie little b*$#!*-@'s front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
of dining table.

Find heavy pruning gloves in shed.

Push pill in to cat's mouth, followed by a
large piece of fish.

Be rough!

Hold head vertical and pour one litre of water
down cat's throat to wash down pill.

Consume remainder of rum.

Get wife/husband to drive you to hospital.

Sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and
forearm, and removes pill from eye.

Call furniture store on way home to
arrange delivery of new table.

Arrange with local Mafia or SAS for elimination of cat.

Call at local pet shop to discuss goldfish.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

Drop pill in bowl with rest of dinner......

JOB DONE

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